Over the last six months or so, I have been feeling myself going through some kind of internal transition, but only recently have I realized it externally.
For the last year or so I have been feeling it might be time to leave my doll club. When I joined the doll club I wanted to be with people with similar interests, to grow as an artist; and to make some good friends. Over the last 7 or so years, I have learned a lot and have grown as an artist. However, although I like and respect many of the members, the relationships never really left doll club. My sister says it is us – our family – that we never really learned to make friends. I think it is just that people are so busy and involved in their own lives, they don’t take the time or make the effort because their lives are already so full. Also, I think people tend to choose to be friends with people who are most like them. At any rate, I had been thinking it might be time to move on – I am an artist and I want to produce original work no matter what the media. Although, some members do original art, most of the members don’t really seem to strive for it. I need a group that is going to challenge me to grow as an artist. Currently I don’t know of any groups like that so I may need to soldier on for a while alone. I do know that when I am ready for something, it inevitably presents itself. And I don’t mind waiting.
I have been having some interesting recurring waking dreams. In between sleeping and waking, I have been finding myself realizing that I am dead or that this is how it feels to die. I never feel frightened about it – more curious. My cat, Mouse, usually brings me back to reality – If I’m dead I can’t really pet a cat. Sometimes I dream that I have forgotten to take some medicine – medicine that I need to prepare myself. It is vitally important in that dream state that I take this medicine and I often find myself upon fully waking frantically searching for it. In the pre-waking stage, I always seem to know where to find it; upon waking, it eludes me. Another recurring waking dream is that visitors are coming. In the pre-waking state, I sometimes believe they are already here and get up to greet them only to fully wake standing in the living room. Finally, after one particularly real death dream, I decided to look up the dream meanings online. Basically, all three of these dreams are similar in meaning.
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. It is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually mean that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes do not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something. To dream that you are taking medicine, represents a period of emotional and/or spiritual healing. To have a visitor in your dream, signifies that some news or information is on its way to you; it suggests that you are experiencing a new phase in your life.
Weird but also kind of reassuring and definitely resonating with what I have been feeling. I am going through a transition. In many ways I feel like I am standing at the beginning again. Before I found dollmaking, I went through many different fiber related crafts/arts – making clothing, making costumes, quilting, fabric dyeing, and finally discovering dollmaking. I have been making dolls since 1996. Now I am standing at the doorway where before me lies vast potential. I also feel like as I get older many doors are closing behind me and fewer doors are opening in front of me.
We take for granted all the possibilities when we are young but now as so many are falling away, I wonder – do the people who live the longest and are the happiest choose to focus only on the possibilities.
I think I am reaching the conclusion of my transition. I am not having the dreams as often. They are changing. One thing I want to do before 2010 gets started is think about what possibilities I want to focus on – create a life manifesto and then get going on it. I am still young enough to dream, to learn, to grow. I am still young enough to take chances, to change minds (even my own), to create a life of possibilities. And Mouse will always be there to remind me at 3:00 a.m. that I am still alive and as long as I am alive, there are doors to walk through and possibilities to explore.
And so we go down the rabbit hole, into the looking glass, and through the open door. Belinda